Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
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Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My dad.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.