Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
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My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.