I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
You Might Also Like
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Worth a try
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”