I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
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I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level