Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
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I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.