TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
where do you see yourself in five years?
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I am yelling
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.