Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend