[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
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Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Mad Max Arctic Road
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.