Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
You Might Also Like
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!