Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
You Might Also Like
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Self-cleaning conscience
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
🐕🍷
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
“Huge”.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy