Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
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Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.