My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good