DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
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Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Yoga Matt
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes