*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
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Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
my dad has had enough