People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
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I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Ladies, why y’all do this?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples: