My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
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We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Hitlers gonna hitl
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.