Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
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me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
.. do you even science?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO