hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
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I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
? 💀
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.