[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
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James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
🤣✨#caturday
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive