Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
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“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Software Development ⛵️