don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
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Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: