[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
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911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.