Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
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Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.