Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
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‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy