A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
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Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I came this close!!!!
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
next question.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?