I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.