I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
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Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Saturday
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
That de-escalated quickly
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35