Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
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i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
The Others (2001)
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.