[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
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My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
So, can we agree on 4 or
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
dream blunt rotation
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands