Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
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*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.