I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
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Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes