I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
You Might Also Like
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Me, flirting😏
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.