my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
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I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
What’s a Messi?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.