(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
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Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.