My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
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Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Only Americans understand
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)