I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
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Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
So true for me
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.