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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.