We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
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true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money