One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
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Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Any refunds available?…
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”