*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
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When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.