My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
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interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
*frowns in Scottish*