[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
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Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
What’s so funny?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
constantly working on myself.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
welp
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
A small tragedy.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”