Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
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FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm