me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
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One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
so much to do
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie