“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
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maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
You deplete me
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?