3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
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Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
The A string on my guit_r is flat