[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus