Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
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discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.