My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
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Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy