The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
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DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer